The Running-Away-Syndrome

I grew up in a very emotional and touchy family. We feel very big feelings. And we say what we feel. (Well, at least when it comes to positive things, the negative part is a bit more difficult.) Ups are really high and lows are quite deep down in the mud. I used to have loud and emotional fights with my mum. I still do sometimes. She taught me something valuable though among all the big emotions. Don't go to bed angry. If the other one doesn't apologize, then just do it yourself. I havent' been very good at sticking to this piece of advice lately. Then there's the touchy part. In my family we've always liked to hug and touch. My mother is hugging people to an extent that they might find it awkward. But this is just one of the trades that make my mother so lovable and sincere. But touching IS imporant. It has even been proved by various research that infants will die without human touch. As we grow older our need to be touched doesn't go away.

"As we grow and develop, our need for touch does not disappear. We continue to benefit from the touch we receive from those who love and care about us." (Health Touch)

Touching is the essence of living. (Picture borrowed from Blake Rudis.)

From what I've seen in other families, my family might be a bit unusual for Finnish circumstances. Here you're not supposed to give affection or talk about your feelings. At least not in public and only with close friends. If even with them. If you tell someone that they are important to you and that you hold someone dearly, they might feel uncomfortable. It's just not something you say. But I can't help myself. I have noticed people get uncomfortable when I declare how much I love them (to friends), but that's just the kind of person I am. I feel very strong feelings and when I feel like my heart is bursting of love and joy, I can't help but show it. In either words or actions.

With friends this thing isn't that bad, the awkwardness usually goes away quite quickly. The real problem is romantic relationships. I don't like to play games. I am really bad at playing hard to get, because if I like someone, I just want to tell them. I really don't fit in the social system in that way. But in my experience, men tend to run away like scared little boys fearing that by revealing that I like them, I am expecting a big diamond on my ring finger. Because why else would I reveal something like that? The man feels trapped and forced into a corner. Silly me, how could I think that being honest was an option?! I'm sure I'm not the only one who has made these kind of experiences. And I'm sure this problem doesn't just exist here in Finland. Surely there are men (and women) all over the world who have this behaviour coded into their DNA. But I do believe that this kind of culture, where public displays of affection and talking about your feelings in an honest way are frowned upon, encourages this kind of behaviour. The running-away-syndrome.

I have many friends who don't like public displays of affection. Friends who think, that this kind of behaviour is private and should just be between the two people and four walls. I'm not saying that this is wrong, but I hope these people find a companion that feels the same way, otherwise it won't work. Otherwise both will feel uncomfortable.

Don't be afraid to touch! (Photo borrowed from TechAbly.)

In a way I can understand the running-away-thought though. I value my independence very much and I also feel distressed if I get the feeling that someone likes me way more than I like them. I think however that the biggest problem is lack of communication. In the end people are different. It is a good thing as well as a bad thing. Different customs easily lead to misunderstandings, which could be avoided by communicating. But sure, if saying what you feel and touching in public feels wrong, don't do it. I just think people would be happier by letting themselves feel more.

Then again we have that well-known phrase: Speech is silver, silence is gold. Sometime this might just be a good rule to keep to. But some people just take it too far.

So, does anyone know where I can take a class in playing hard to get?

Cynicism and Ever Growing Walls

The cynic.

Yes, we're back to this topic. When did I become so cynical and afraid? Well, there are many factors. To round it all up I could state that becoming cynical seems like a natural turnout, when you are repetedly treated badly. With romantic relationships that is. In other aspects of life I don't consider myself very cynical. So, this is when you might be wondering what the bad things are. Don't worry, I've never been physically hurt, but when it comes to matters of the heart... There's a whole cascade of stories. I've been the other woman, without me knowing about it. I've been lied to and cheated on. Several times the guy has just flat out disappeared on me. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to these things. I'm sorry about that. Not all men have been bad though, I have met some good guys as well. What wonders me though, is how hard it seems to be to just be honest. Why is it so hard to tell the truth? Maybe it seems like you are protecting the other one's feelings by not telling the truth, or just quietly disappering, but I think it's the other way around. If I would just be told what the situation is, then it would be easier to move on. I guess I'm a dweller.
 

Why is it so hard to let yourself love someone?

Protecting myself.

The constant disappointments makes me insecure. Insecure about how to act in a romantic situation. Insecure about how to interpret another persons' words and actions. And it makes me afraid to let myself like someone else. I am constantly protecting myself by building a wall around me and not letting anyone inside. It might seem like I am, but I'm not really. As time and new events pass by, this wall gets even higher and harder to break through. But then again when another disappointment comes along, it doesn't feel that bad. Because I haven't let myself get my hopes up. I feel indifferent. The thought in my head is: "I knew this was going to happen anyway." Or: "Well, what a surprise that was." How cynical indeed? And for every disappointment, the wall grows a little bit higher. Making it even harder to break through.

How to break through the wall?

Not letting myself fall in love.

I am protected by the wall I've built around myself. But it's not just protecting me. For what if I do meet a great guy? How will I know that he is different from all the others, and most importantly, how do I let my guard down? The wall is protecting me from heartbreak, but at the same time it is holding me back. I can't let go and let myself fall in love when the wall is blurring my view. I am so set on dealing with disappointment, that I don't know how I would be able to believe it if someone would tell me they wanted to be with me.

Yeah.

Do you have similar experiences? How are you dealing with them? Do you feel like you are becoming cynical?

The Grand Gesture and the Cynic

"Love is a many splendored thing, love lifts you up where you belong, all you need is love!"


This weekend I've been thinking a lot about love and discussing it with a good friend. I am a sucker for romantic movies and grand gestures. Sometimes I wish my life was like a movie, and that someone would sweep me off my feet. At the same time I am somewhat of a cynic. I find grand gestures klischés and feel uncomfortable when a man gets too romantic. Why is that? I've been thinking a lot about this, and I've come to the conclusion, that it's just because it hasn't been the right guy performing the romantic gestures. I know this sounds arrogant, but the fact is that nobody is good enough for me. My standards are way to high, and I know it. I am also aware of the fact that Prince Charming doesn't exist, but I can't help myself. Even if I try to reason with myself, I always end up following my heart. And that's when everything goes wrong.

I was watching this american tv-show and it involved an interesting conversation:

" - You're picking the wrong guy. [--]
- Listen, you're afraid of people not wanting you, afraid of people leving you, so you pick people, who it'll never work with, so that that's the outcome. They walk away, that's the cycle. You play out the thing that you don't want to happen, just to prove yourself right."

This got me thinking. Maybe this really is what I'm doing. Maybe I keep picking the wrong guy on purpose. And I keep getting myself hurt. Maybe the guys who keep hurting me have made me the cynic I am, but then again, if I am unconsciously picking the wrong guy, then ultimately I can blame myself, right?

The problem is I have no idea how to break the circle. How am I supposed to stop picking the wrong guys. And how do I know when the guy is right? Is it when the grand gesture feels just right, and not uncomfortable at all? Because there HAS to be a grand gesture.

And I still love the romantic movies...