About relationships and letting go

A good friend of mine recently came to me for advice about a friendship, that had gone into a difficult path. He was having problems with expectations and actions not being on the same level, which was resulting in both parties being unhappy and frustrated. One for trying to make the other one happy, but not succeeding, because it wasn't the action(s) the other person was expecting, thus making the other person unhappy at the same. Without knowing any details, I saw myself in that same situation in the past. Being frustrated and not finding a solution that pleases both parties. My advice was to consider the value of the friendship. Is the person worth the effort you are giving them? What are you getting out of the friendship or are you just giving? Is the person worth fighting for or is it just an endless power struggle? I think a friendship at its best is the ability to be honest towards one another. Constructive critisism however is not an easy thing - neither on the giving nor the receiving side of it. It is a fine art. Hurting someone on purpose is completely unneccessary, there should be a way to give feedback in a positive way. Of course this is not simple - especially when emotions are involved.

The older I get, the pickier I become about relationships. By this I don't mean just romantic relationships, but any relationships - friends, aqcuaintances, even family. Don't get me wrong, I still love meeting new people and I am always open for letting new people into my life. The part where it gets hard, is with deciding when to let go of someone. This might sound arrogant, but I don't have time to take care of relationships, that only or mostly have a negative impact on my life. They drain me of my energy. I need people who create positivity, because I am a person who is easily emotionally affected by other people. If I have people around who complain a lot, I start doing the same thing, and that's not the kind of person I want to be. I need people who see the good things in life and try to improve things, if they really have a problem. That said, I also want to stress that I don't take letting people go lightly. Leaving a friendship behind is always a thoroughly considered decision. But sometimes the best thing you can do for a friendship, is to let go of it - if it's a strong one, you'll find your way back to each other sooner or later. Actively deciding to fight for a friendship and creating new ways of communication may however solve things, even after taking a break from each other and getting some perspective on things. It doesn't have to be just one or the other. Life is never black and white but all kinds shades and colours.

Letting someone go can be painful, but sometimes it's necessary.

The Running-Away-Syndrome

I grew up in a very emotional and touchy family. We feel very big feelings. And we say what we feel. (Well, at least when it comes to positive things, the negative part is a bit more difficult.) Ups are really high and lows are quite deep down in the mud. I used to have loud and emotional fights with my mum. I still do sometimes. She taught me something valuable though among all the big emotions. Don't go to bed angry. If the other one doesn't apologize, then just do it yourself. I havent' been very good at sticking to this piece of advice lately. Then there's the touchy part. In my family we've always liked to hug and touch. My mother is hugging people to an extent that they might find it awkward. But this is just one of the trades that make my mother so lovable and sincere. But touching IS imporant. It has even been proved by various research that infants will die without human touch. As we grow older our need to be touched doesn't go away.

"As we grow and develop, our need for touch does not disappear. We continue to benefit from the touch we receive from those who love and care about us." (Health Touch)

Touching is the essence of living. (Picture borrowed from Blake Rudis.)

From what I've seen in other families, my family might be a bit unusual for Finnish circumstances. Here you're not supposed to give affection or talk about your feelings. At least not in public and only with close friends. If even with them. If you tell someone that they are important to you and that you hold someone dearly, they might feel uncomfortable. It's just not something you say. But I can't help myself. I have noticed people get uncomfortable when I declare how much I love them (to friends), but that's just the kind of person I am. I feel very strong feelings and when I feel like my heart is bursting of love and joy, I can't help but show it. In either words or actions.

With friends this thing isn't that bad, the awkwardness usually goes away quite quickly. The real problem is romantic relationships. I don't like to play games. I am really bad at playing hard to get, because if I like someone, I just want to tell them. I really don't fit in the social system in that way. But in my experience, men tend to run away like scared little boys fearing that by revealing that I like them, I am expecting a big diamond on my ring finger. Because why else would I reveal something like that? The man feels trapped and forced into a corner. Silly me, how could I think that being honest was an option?! I'm sure I'm not the only one who has made these kind of experiences. And I'm sure this problem doesn't just exist here in Finland. Surely there are men (and women) all over the world who have this behaviour coded into their DNA. But I do believe that this kind of culture, where public displays of affection and talking about your feelings in an honest way are frowned upon, encourages this kind of behaviour. The running-away-syndrome.

I have many friends who don't like public displays of affection. Friends who think, that this kind of behaviour is private and should just be between the two people and four walls. I'm not saying that this is wrong, but I hope these people find a companion that feels the same way, otherwise it won't work. Otherwise both will feel uncomfortable.

Don't be afraid to touch! (Photo borrowed from TechAbly.)

In a way I can understand the running-away-thought though. I value my independence very much and I also feel distressed if I get the feeling that someone likes me way more than I like them. I think however that the biggest problem is lack of communication. In the end people are different. It is a good thing as well as a bad thing. Different customs easily lead to misunderstandings, which could be avoided by communicating. But sure, if saying what you feel and touching in public feels wrong, don't do it. I just think people would be happier by letting themselves feel more.

Then again we have that well-known phrase: Speech is silver, silence is gold. Sometime this might just be a good rule to keep to. But some people just take it too far.

So, does anyone know where I can take a class in playing hard to get?

The Excuse

What is it about honesty? People say that they want honesty, but when they get it, they're not happy about it. So the kind of honesty they want is not really honesty at all. They just want to hear things that they LIKE to hear. In relationships honesty is in some way a tricky thing. I had quite an intense discussion about this the other day. The other person was set on absolute honesty. He thought that you always need to speak the truth, no matter what. And not just in romantic relationships, but in all kinds of relationships. My counter argument was that telling the brutal truth might not always be the best solution. Why would you want to tell someone something to deliberately hurt them, if telling isn't absolutely necessary. Afterwards I got to thinking. How would I like to be treated? And I came to the conclusion that I don't agree with myself. I do rather want to hear the truth, no matter how brutal it is. But it is not really a matter of whether you tell the truth or not, it's about HOW you say it. Well, many might disagree about this too, but then again sure, I do prefer brutal honesty, if the other option is lying. Maybe the only way to actually create a good, lasting relationship is to form a safe environment where telling the truth is wanted and appreciated. The kind of environment, where you feel that you can tell the truth and solve issues through conversation.

How about some brutal honesty? (Borrowed from Frankentoast)

When it comes to dating and not dating "I'm really not that into you." seems like the most difficult thing to say. And I do think that this is the only truth. Everything else is just excuses. Whatever it is. "I need to focus on my career." or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Or how about "You seem like a great person, but I don't want anything serious at the moment." Then there's the situation with no excuse at all, the one where the other person disappears without an explanation whatsoever. That might even be worse. But how come is it so hard to say: "I'm just not interested."? If you meet a person that you really want to be with, you wouldn't need an excuse. Telling a white lie to get out of a dating situation may seem harmless, but telling the truth saves a lot of trouble for both you and the other person.

I'm not saying that I'm any better than this. Sure, I've used one or two of these phrases myself. But more and more often (after hearing all kinds of excuses myself) I am coming to a point where it just seems better to tell the truth. Even if it is brutal. "I am not interested." Or "I just don't see the two of us in a relationship." I'm a bit of a dweller myself, so it surely would save a lot of trouble for me to hear the truth. The few times I have been told the straight truth, I have really appreciated it! But when saying something like "You're a great person, but I just have so many issues of my own that I need to solve at the moment.", you're not just lying to the other person, but also to yourself. Even if you seem to believe yourself when saying it, at least you’ve convinced yourself. But I believe that no matter what your life situation is, if you meet a right person, you will want to try to make it work. You don't need an excuse.