The Excuse

What is it about honesty? People say that they want honesty, but when they get it, they're not happy about it. So the kind of honesty they want is not really honesty at all. They just want to hear things that they LIKE to hear. In relationships honesty is in some way a tricky thing. I had quite an intense discussion about this the other day. The other person was set on absolute honesty. He thought that you always need to speak the truth, no matter what. And not just in romantic relationships, but in all kinds of relationships. My counter argument was that telling the brutal truth might not always be the best solution. Why would you want to tell someone something to deliberately hurt them, if telling isn't absolutely necessary. Afterwards I got to thinking. How would I like to be treated? And I came to the conclusion that I don't agree with myself. I do rather want to hear the truth, no matter how brutal it is. But it is not really a matter of whether you tell the truth or not, it's about HOW you say it. Well, many might disagree about this too, but then again sure, I do prefer brutal honesty, if the other option is lying. Maybe the only way to actually create a good, lasting relationship is to form a safe environment where telling the truth is wanted and appreciated. The kind of environment, where you feel that you can tell the truth and solve issues through conversation.

How about some brutal honesty? (Borrowed from Frankentoast)

When it comes to dating and not dating "I'm really not that into you." seems like the most difficult thing to say. And I do think that this is the only truth. Everything else is just excuses. Whatever it is. "I need to focus on my career." or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Or how about "You seem like a great person, but I don't want anything serious at the moment." Then there's the situation with no excuse at all, the one where the other person disappears without an explanation whatsoever. That might even be worse. But how come is it so hard to say: "I'm just not interested."? If you meet a person that you really want to be with, you wouldn't need an excuse. Telling a white lie to get out of a dating situation may seem harmless, but telling the truth saves a lot of trouble for both you and the other person.

I'm not saying that I'm any better than this. Sure, I've used one or two of these phrases myself. But more and more often (after hearing all kinds of excuses myself) I am coming to a point where it just seems better to tell the truth. Even if it is brutal. "I am not interested." Or "I just don't see the two of us in a relationship." I'm a bit of a dweller myself, so it surely would save a lot of trouble for me to hear the truth. The few times I have been told the straight truth, I have really appreciated it! But when saying something like "You're a great person, but I just have so many issues of my own that I need to solve at the moment.", you're not just lying to the other person, but also to yourself. Even if you seem to believe yourself when saying it, at least you’ve convinced yourself. But I believe that no matter what your life situation is, if you meet a right person, you will want to try to make it work. You don't need an excuse.

Funkstille

These last few days I have been thinking a lot about honesty. Why do people lie? Well, usually it is either to protect themselves or others. Some justify their lies by saying that they didn't want to hurt the other one's feelings. But lies have a way of coming out. Usually one lie leads to another and they have a tendancy to create a mess that is hard to get out of without everyone getting hurt anyway. When you lie to someone, you don't really respect that person enough to believe that they are strong enough to understand the truth. But those people you try to "protect" may be a lot stronger than you give them credit for.

Then what about insted of lying, you just don't tell the other person something you know. Is that lying as well? I think it is. That really shows the lack of respect you have for that person. Even though you may think, that it's easier for that person that they don't know something, isn't it their privileague to have the information and then do what they want with it? Especially if the silence only is kept to protect yourself.

But this is a difficult subject. What if you know something about someone, but it really isn't your place to tell? What is the right solution? What is the moral thing to do?

I am not saying, that I've never lied in my life. Because I have. I have also been lied to. And I have been kept in the dark. It's not a great feeling. It hurts. A lot. Especially if it is done by a person you trust. Or at least you think you could trust.

But then there is a situation that's even worse. You know that you're being kept in the dark, but you can't get an explanation for it. That's just completely gutless and cowardly.

Many times the truth is valued a lot, even though it might be painful at first.