The Excuse

What is it about honesty? People say that they want honesty, but when they get it, they're not happy about it. So the kind of honesty they want is not really honesty at all. They just want to hear things that they LIKE to hear. In relationships honesty is in some way a tricky thing. I had quite an intense discussion about this the other day. The other person was set on absolute honesty. He thought that you always need to speak the truth, no matter what. And not just in romantic relationships, but in all kinds of relationships. My counter argument was that telling the brutal truth might not always be the best solution. Why would you want to tell someone something to deliberately hurt them, if telling isn't absolutely necessary. Afterwards I got to thinking. How would I like to be treated? And I came to the conclusion that I don't agree with myself. I do rather want to hear the truth, no matter how brutal it is. But it is not really a matter of whether you tell the truth or not, it's about HOW you say it. Well, many might disagree about this too, but then again sure, I do prefer brutal honesty, if the other option is lying. Maybe the only way to actually create a good, lasting relationship is to form a safe environment where telling the truth is wanted and appreciated. The kind of environment, where you feel that you can tell the truth and solve issues through conversation.

How about some brutal honesty? (Borrowed from Frankentoast)

When it comes to dating and not dating "I'm really not that into you." seems like the most difficult thing to say. And I do think that this is the only truth. Everything else is just excuses. Whatever it is. "I need to focus on my career." or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Or how about "You seem like a great person, but I don't want anything serious at the moment." Then there's the situation with no excuse at all, the one where the other person disappears without an explanation whatsoever. That might even be worse. But how come is it so hard to say: "I'm just not interested."? If you meet a person that you really want to be with, you wouldn't need an excuse. Telling a white lie to get out of a dating situation may seem harmless, but telling the truth saves a lot of trouble for both you and the other person.

I'm not saying that I'm any better than this. Sure, I've used one or two of these phrases myself. But more and more often (after hearing all kinds of excuses myself) I am coming to a point where it just seems better to tell the truth. Even if it is brutal. "I am not interested." Or "I just don't see the two of us in a relationship." I'm a bit of a dweller myself, so it surely would save a lot of trouble for me to hear the truth. The few times I have been told the straight truth, I have really appreciated it! But when saying something like "You're a great person, but I just have so many issues of my own that I need to solve at the moment.", you're not just lying to the other person, but also to yourself. Even if you seem to believe yourself when saying it, at least you’ve convinced yourself. But I believe that no matter what your life situation is, if you meet a right person, you will want to try to make it work. You don't need an excuse.

Cynicism and Ever Growing Walls

The cynic.

Yes, we're back to this topic. When did I become so cynical and afraid? Well, there are many factors. To round it all up I could state that becoming cynical seems like a natural turnout, when you are repetedly treated badly. With romantic relationships that is. In other aspects of life I don't consider myself very cynical. So, this is when you might be wondering what the bad things are. Don't worry, I've never been physically hurt, but when it comes to matters of the heart... There's a whole cascade of stories. I've been the other woman, without me knowing about it. I've been lied to and cheated on. Several times the guy has just flat out disappeared on me. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to these things. I'm sorry about that. Not all men have been bad though, I have met some good guys as well. What wonders me though, is how hard it seems to be to just be honest. Why is it so hard to tell the truth? Maybe it seems like you are protecting the other one's feelings by not telling the truth, or just quietly disappering, but I think it's the other way around. If I would just be told what the situation is, then it would be easier to move on. I guess I'm a dweller.
 

Why is it so hard to let yourself love someone?

Protecting myself.

The constant disappointments makes me insecure. Insecure about how to act in a romantic situation. Insecure about how to interpret another persons' words and actions. And it makes me afraid to let myself like someone else. I am constantly protecting myself by building a wall around me and not letting anyone inside. It might seem like I am, but I'm not really. As time and new events pass by, this wall gets even higher and harder to break through. But then again when another disappointment comes along, it doesn't feel that bad. Because I haven't let myself get my hopes up. I feel indifferent. The thought in my head is: "I knew this was going to happen anyway." Or: "Well, what a surprise that was." How cynical indeed? And for every disappointment, the wall grows a little bit higher. Making it even harder to break through.

How to break through the wall?

Not letting myself fall in love.

I am protected by the wall I've built around myself. But it's not just protecting me. For what if I do meet a great guy? How will I know that he is different from all the others, and most importantly, how do I let my guard down? The wall is protecting me from heartbreak, but at the same time it is holding me back. I can't let go and let myself fall in love when the wall is blurring my view. I am so set on dealing with disappointment, that I don't know how I would be able to believe it if someone would tell me they wanted to be with me.

Yeah.

Do you have similar experiences? How are you dealing with them? Do you feel like you are becoming cynical?