Monday, May 27, 2013

Cynicism and Ever Growing Walls

The cynic.

Yes, we're back to this topic. When did I become so cynical and afraid? Well, there are many factors. To round it all up I could state that becoming cynical seems like a natural turnout, when you are repetedly treated badly. With romantic relationships that is. In other aspects of life I don't consider myself very cynical. So, this is when you might be wondering what the bad things are. Don't worry, I've never been physically hurt, but when it comes to matters of the heart... There's a whole cascade of stories. I've been the other woman, without me knowing about it. I've been lied to and cheated on. Several times the guy has just flat out disappeared on me. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to these things. I'm sorry about that. Not all men have been bad though, I have met some good guys as well. What wonders me though, is how hard it seems to be to just be honest. Why is it so hard to tell the truth? Maybe it seems like you are protecting the other one's feelings by not telling the truth, or just quietly disappering, but I think it's the other way around. If I would just be told what the situation is, then it would be easier to move on. I guess I'm a dweller.

Why is it so hard to let yourself love someone?

Protecting myself.

The constant disappointments makes me insecure. Insecure about how to act in a romantic situation. Insecure about how to interpret another persons' words and actions. And it makes me afraid to let myself like someone else. I am constantly protecting myself by building a wall around me and not letting anyone inside. It might seem like I am, but I'm not really. As time and new events pass by, this wall gets even higher and harder to break through. But then again when another disappointment comes along, it doesn't feel that bad. Because I haven't let myself get my hopes up. I feel indifferent. The thought in my head is: "I knew this was going to happen anyway." Or: "Well, what a surprise that was." How cynical indeed? And for every disappointment, the wall grows a little bit higher. Making it even harder to break through.

How to break through the wall?

Not letting myself fall in love.

I am protected by the wall I've built around myself. But it's not just protecting me. For what if I do meet a great guy? How will I know that he is different from all the others, and most importantly, how do I let my guard down? The wall is protecting me from heartbreak, but at the same time it is holding me back. I can't let go and let myself fall in love when the wall is blurring my view. I am so set on dealing with disappointment, that I don't know how I would be able to believe it if someone would tell me they wanted to be with me.


Do you have similar experiences? How are you dealing with them? Do you feel like you are becoming cynical?

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