Friends Without Benefits?

A while back I spoke with an aquaintance about friendships between men and women. He firmly believed that no such thing was truly possible. That there would always be some sexual tension. I have many male friends. Underlining the word 'friend'. However, many of these, who I have thought of as just friends, have, when the subject has come up, told me that they would sleep with me if the opportunity came up. Sure, these confessions have mostly been made under the influence of alcohol, but isn't that when you say the things you really mean?

Inseparable. (Photo from The Chaotic Soul.)

The subject of cross-gender friendships has been researched quite a bit. Maybe not so much in science labs, but even more on the silver screen. Psychology Today argues five challenges and six truths in an article about cross-gender friendships. In the article I found many things that I don't agree with, maybe them being cultural. For example the thought that cross-gender friendships are taboo as a child and that you don't really come in contact with the opposite gender until puberty. I don't know, maybe this applies to the United States, but I had a lot of male friends as a child. I even got along better with them than with girls. One thing in the article I agree with is that media doesn't really help with the confusion in forming platonic cross-gender friendships. In movies and tv-shows friendships nearly always turn into romantic relationships. It's the classic setting. A girl and a guy are best friends. One is getting married or finds "the love of their life" when the other one realizes that it's all wrong and they should be together instead. Then there's a lot a drama and a falling out, but in the end the guy and the girl always ends up together.

"'When Harry Met Sally set the potential for male-female friendship back about 25 years,' said Michael Monsour, assistant professor of communications at the University of Colorado at Denver and author of Women and Men as Friends. Television hasn't helped either. "Almost every time you see a male-female friendship, it winds up turning into romance," Monsour noted." (Psychology Today)

In an article in the Scientific American Adrian Ward talks about a research on cross-gender friendships. The research shows that men are more likely to misinterpret the level of the attraction in the friendship. Men were also more willing to act on this misinterpreted mutual attraction.

"Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them - a clearly misguided belief. [--] basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends." (Scientifuc American)

Well, both articles state that opposite-sex friendships are indeed possible, but in many cases men and women see the relationship differently. So, is there always an underlying sexual tension within cross-gender friendships? One of my male friends once told me, that he has basically never slept over at a girls place without something happening. Is this a guy-thing? Because I have surely had many male friends sleeping over on my couch without there being any sexual tension. Or have I misinterpreted the situation?

In the end, what's better than a great friendship turning into a great love story? (Photo from Why Library.)

However I have experienced situations when I notice that a guy I am spending time with as friends is starting to develop some feelings. It's a very tricky situation. It's difficult when you like a person, and want to spend time with them, but you only like them as a friend and they clearly want more than that. Before I was usually not very good at handling these kind of situations. I usually just let the situation go on, and after a while just ended up avoiding that person and not wanting to hang out with them anymore. The situation just made me uncomfortable and I didn't have the guts to tell them that I only saw them as friends. I haven't had that kind of a situation in a while now, mostly because I have told the truth. But sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes you're not sure whether the other person is interested in more than being friends, especially if it's just a vibe you're getting, and you don't want to ruin the relationship by assuming things. But then again, if the relationship it ruined by that, you might ask yourself whether it was a relationship worth having.

I do have a few great male friends who I value a lot, but couldn't see myself in a romantic relationship with. The relationship with these guys is based on trust. It has been non-verbally clear from the beginning, that there is no attraction there. Although after reading the article in the Scientific American, I hope that this feeling is mutual. I also have male friends whom I have dated or had a romatic relationship with (past tense). Currently I see some of these guys as great friends, but there is still a romatic tension there, at least to some part. Still, I couldn't see myself in a romantic relationship with these guys (anymore). But what is that then? Can you still call it a friendship, it there are other feelings mixed into it? I guess it is a different kind of friendship. A more intimate one maybe. And that might be a good thing. Maybe it's even better this way, because you've "tested" it, and realized that you are better off being friends.

I believe that close cross-gender friendships are possible without sexual tension. (Photo from Psychologies.)

So what's the conclusion? Relationships are difficult. Well, nothing new there I suppose. Balancing cross-gender friendships and interpreting them right is very tricky, but in my opinion very much possible. You might have to face some difficult situations when dealing with friends of the opposite gender, but I think it's worth it. And yet again I come to the conclusion that everything can be solved by communicating and telling the truth. The truth might even lead to a closer relationship and at it's best to a life-long friendship. What's better than that?

The Running-Away-Syndrome

I grew up in a very emotional and touchy family. We feel very big feelings. And we say what we feel. (Well, at least when it comes to positive things, the negative part is a bit more difficult.) Ups are really high and lows are quite deep down in the mud. I used to have loud and emotional fights with my mum. I still do sometimes. She taught me something valuable though among all the big emotions. Don't go to bed angry. If the other one doesn't apologize, then just do it yourself. I havent' been very good at sticking to this piece of advice lately. Then there's the touchy part. In my family we've always liked to hug and touch. My mother is hugging people to an extent that they might find it awkward. But this is just one of the trades that make my mother so lovable and sincere. But touching IS imporant. It has even been proved by various research that infants will die without human touch. As we grow older our need to be touched doesn't go away.

"As we grow and develop, our need for touch does not disappear. We continue to benefit from the touch we receive from those who love and care about us." (Health Touch)

Touching is the essence of living. (Picture borrowed from Blake Rudis.)

From what I've seen in other families, my family might be a bit unusual for Finnish circumstances. Here you're not supposed to give affection or talk about your feelings. At least not in public and only with close friends. If even with them. If you tell someone that they are important to you and that you hold someone dearly, they might feel uncomfortable. It's just not something you say. But I can't help myself. I have noticed people get uncomfortable when I declare how much I love them (to friends), but that's just the kind of person I am. I feel very strong feelings and when I feel like my heart is bursting of love and joy, I can't help but show it. In either words or actions.

With friends this thing isn't that bad, the awkwardness usually goes away quite quickly. The real problem is romantic relationships. I don't like to play games. I am really bad at playing hard to get, because if I like someone, I just want to tell them. I really don't fit in the social system in that way. But in my experience, men tend to run away like scared little boys fearing that by revealing that I like them, I am expecting a big diamond on my ring finger. Because why else would I reveal something like that? The man feels trapped and forced into a corner. Silly me, how could I think that being honest was an option?! I'm sure I'm not the only one who has made these kind of experiences. And I'm sure this problem doesn't just exist here in Finland. Surely there are men (and women) all over the world who have this behaviour coded into their DNA. But I do believe that this kind of culture, where public displays of affection and talking about your feelings in an honest way are frowned upon, encourages this kind of behaviour. The running-away-syndrome.

I have many friends who don't like public displays of affection. Friends who think, that this kind of behaviour is private and should just be between the two people and four walls. I'm not saying that this is wrong, but I hope these people find a companion that feels the same way, otherwise it won't work. Otherwise both will feel uncomfortable.

Don't be afraid to touch! (Photo borrowed from TechAbly.)

In a way I can understand the running-away-thought though. I value my independence very much and I also feel distressed if I get the feeling that someone likes me way more than I like them. I think however that the biggest problem is lack of communication. In the end people are different. It is a good thing as well as a bad thing. Different customs easily lead to misunderstandings, which could be avoided by communicating. But sure, if saying what you feel and touching in public feels wrong, don't do it. I just think people would be happier by letting themselves feel more.

Then again we have that well-known phrase: Speech is silver, silence is gold. Sometime this might just be a good rule to keep to. But some people just take it too far.

So, does anyone know where I can take a class in playing hard to get?

The Excuse

What is it about honesty? People say that they want honesty, but when they get it, they're not happy about it. So the kind of honesty they want is not really honesty at all. They just want to hear things that they LIKE to hear. In relationships honesty is in some way a tricky thing. I had quite an intense discussion about this the other day. The other person was set on absolute honesty. He thought that you always need to speak the truth, no matter what. And not just in romantic relationships, but in all kinds of relationships. My counter argument was that telling the brutal truth might not always be the best solution. Why would you want to tell someone something to deliberately hurt them, if telling isn't absolutely necessary. Afterwards I got to thinking. How would I like to be treated? And I came to the conclusion that I don't agree with myself. I do rather want to hear the truth, no matter how brutal it is. But it is not really a matter of whether you tell the truth or not, it's about HOW you say it. Well, many might disagree about this too, but then again sure, I do prefer brutal honesty, if the other option is lying. Maybe the only way to actually create a good, lasting relationship is to form a safe environment where telling the truth is wanted and appreciated. The kind of environment, where you feel that you can tell the truth and solve issues through conversation.

How about some brutal honesty? (Borrowed from Frankentoast)

When it comes to dating and not dating "I'm really not that into you." seems like the most difficult thing to say. And I do think that this is the only truth. Everything else is just excuses. Whatever it is. "I need to focus on my career." or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Or how about "You seem like a great person, but I don't want anything serious at the moment." Then there's the situation with no excuse at all, the one where the other person disappears without an explanation whatsoever. That might even be worse. But how come is it so hard to say: "I'm just not interested."? If you meet a person that you really want to be with, you wouldn't need an excuse. Telling a white lie to get out of a dating situation may seem harmless, but telling the truth saves a lot of trouble for both you and the other person.

I'm not saying that I'm any better than this. Sure, I've used one or two of these phrases myself. But more and more often (after hearing all kinds of excuses myself) I am coming to a point where it just seems better to tell the truth. Even if it is brutal. "I am not interested." Or "I just don't see the two of us in a relationship." I'm a bit of a dweller myself, so it surely would save a lot of trouble for me to hear the truth. The few times I have been told the straight truth, I have really appreciated it! But when saying something like "You're a great person, but I just have so many issues of my own that I need to solve at the moment.", you're not just lying to the other person, but also to yourself. Even if you seem to believe yourself when saying it, at least you’ve convinced yourself. But I believe that no matter what your life situation is, if you meet a right person, you will want to try to make it work. You don't need an excuse.

Cynicism and Ever Growing Walls

The cynic.

Yes, we're back to this topic. When did I become so cynical and afraid? Well, there are many factors. To round it all up I could state that becoming cynical seems like a natural turnout, when you are repetedly treated badly. With romantic relationships that is. In other aspects of life I don't consider myself very cynical. So, this is when you might be wondering what the bad things are. Don't worry, I've never been physically hurt, but when it comes to matters of the heart... There's a whole cascade of stories. I've been the other woman, without me knowing about it. I've been lied to and cheated on. Several times the guy has just flat out disappeared on me. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to these things. I'm sorry about that. Not all men have been bad though, I have met some good guys as well. What wonders me though, is how hard it seems to be to just be honest. Why is it so hard to tell the truth? Maybe it seems like you are protecting the other one's feelings by not telling the truth, or just quietly disappering, but I think it's the other way around. If I would just be told what the situation is, then it would be easier to move on. I guess I'm a dweller.
 

Why is it so hard to let yourself love someone?

Protecting myself.

The constant disappointments makes me insecure. Insecure about how to act in a romantic situation. Insecure about how to interpret another persons' words and actions. And it makes me afraid to let myself like someone else. I am constantly protecting myself by building a wall around me and not letting anyone inside. It might seem like I am, but I'm not really. As time and new events pass by, this wall gets even higher and harder to break through. But then again when another disappointment comes along, it doesn't feel that bad. Because I haven't let myself get my hopes up. I feel indifferent. The thought in my head is: "I knew this was going to happen anyway." Or: "Well, what a surprise that was." How cynical indeed? And for every disappointment, the wall grows a little bit higher. Making it even harder to break through.

How to break through the wall?

Not letting myself fall in love.

I am protected by the wall I've built around myself. But it's not just protecting me. For what if I do meet a great guy? How will I know that he is different from all the others, and most importantly, how do I let my guard down? The wall is protecting me from heartbreak, but at the same time it is holding me back. I can't let go and let myself fall in love when the wall is blurring my view. I am so set on dealing with disappointment, that I don't know how I would be able to believe it if someone would tell me they wanted to be with me.

Yeah.

Do you have similar experiences? How are you dealing with them? Do you feel like you are becoming cynical?

Concentration Issues and Being Overly Social

I am not a researcher. I am not interested in doing research and I never want to be a researcher. Well, here's the problem (and I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this): studying at the university means that I will have to write a thesis to be able to graduate. I was always good in school. I am lucky enough to be one of those people who learns really easily, so I never had to study that much for exams or such. Just attending class and listening was enough. It was always quite easy for me to get good grades. Lucky me right? Well here's the problem. Not having to study that hard has resulted in me not knowing HOW to actually study. I have major concentration issues when I have to get something done and I have a way of always finding something "more important" to do, like cleaning, baking, laundry, sorting out my closet or arranging papers that have been lying around.

I had cleared out this weekend so that I'd have two whole days to work on my thesis. To do some reading and writing. How did that turn out? Well it's 2.45 pm on Sunday now, and I have read one page during the whole weekend. One page! Talk about lazy! I am ashamed of myself to tell you the truth. The problem isn't so much about getting things done, I am quite effective once I get started. It's the starting I have issues with.

The pile of books and papers that's waiting for me.

Then there's the other problem. In addition to having problems concentrating, I am overly social. This is where you might think that "that's not a problem". Well normally it wouldn't be, but currently it causes problems with my academic work. Like I said before, this weekend I was supposed to devote all my time to my dear, beloved thesis. Then on Friday morning I had recieved a couch request. I had already turned a few requests down for this weekend, but this one was a couple that looked for a host for one night. So I accepted, telling them that I would have time on Friday night, but that was busy on Saturday, so I wouldn't be able to show them around or hang out. A good plan so far, since I would be too tired to work on my thesis on Friday after work. Well somehow the evening got a bit out of hand. A couple of friends came over and we were cooking, drinking some wine and smoking shisha. Until 5.30 in the morning. Needless to say that really wasn't in the shape to work on my thesis on Saturday. I just don't know how to say no to a friend asking me to hang out! How pathetic is that?

Now the half of Sunday has past as well, and what have I done so far? Slept until 10, had breakfast, watched a couple of episodes of Gilmore Girls, did a couple of loads of laundry, sorted some papers, cleaned the toilet and washed the dishes. Yes, I got a lot done, but not the things I was supposed to. How to concentrate? Well, usually I prefer to go to work at the university library, because home chores won't distract me there. Yeah, that's what I need to do on thesis weekends from now on. And I should make the promise to catch up on my reading for at least one hour every day. Maybe that'll do it.

What's better than a nice big breakfast on the weekend?

How do you manage any problems with getting started? Do you have any good tips on how to concentrate?